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Nov. 7th, 2013

magic

(no subject)

Unblocked previous hidden "last entry" of the blog. Nothing really has changed except the order of names at the end. The cycle continues.

Also the comment about posting things and upsetting people before that. Same as it ever was. My ability to emote lies in inverse proportion to how much I want to offend my friends.

And then the one before that about going to Seattle. I don't consider myself that wrong, except for the optimism part. But someone was there to catch me, at least, when I fell. Just not who I was expecting.
magic

Visiting a dusty attic.

*blows dust away from ancient journal of knowledge*

*cough, cough* Who the hell said I should get myself back to this piece of crap anyway? Porsupah? I'm going to get you for this! If I ever figure out how the hell to post again from something slightly less ancient than a PC...

Aug. 30th, 2010

magic

The things that can't be said, 1.

I actually have a rather interesting phobia. I am afraid of both enclosed spaces and crowds. It's one of those things that isn't stifling, really - it doesn't completely freak me out, it doesn't stifle me too much, but it increases the weariness - and the larger the crowds and smaller the spaces - and especially the larger the density - the worse things get. The greater the toll it takes. The closer I get to freaking out, even if I would never get there. It does surface in bathrooms, actually - I really prefer the handicapped stalls, because I don't have to feel cooper up to do my business. Then consider the car, and driving the car. Enclosed in a small space, with both people inside - and then confined in a traffic jam. Just ponder the possibilities there. I certainly do.

Then consider the convention. The one this week, VMworld, but more properly, the furry con, the ubiquitous furry con. That point where people go to supposedly be happy and party and commiserate with other furry weirdos.

Yeah, that never happened for me. And the problem is that the fear makes it worse. It's the edge on the cycle, the thing that begins the slow descent of the snowball effect - I'm afraid to deal with the crowd, the dense crowd, the everchanging crowd.

It goes back to a particular specific moment in junior high, you know. It was a gathering of all the 8th graders in the cafeteria, an orientation for 9th grade, for high school. Everyone in the grade was gathered there - and no one really cared that much, people were joking around, whatever. And all I wanted to know was that I could take orchestra in 9th grade. But they unintentionally left that out of their little program, so I naturally had to be the person to go ask the question.

The problem was, for whatever reason, they had the people asking the question to walk up to the microphone at the front of the stage. And it was a long walk from my seat to that point on the stage. Walking up there was bad enough, but then came the question: is there orchestra in 9th grade?

The entire auditorium erupted in laughter. Embarrassing, humiliating laughter. And as I was walking back to my seat, people actually were going out of their way to trip me, hurt me, do whatever they could. You'd think that someone would stop this, right? You'd think that someone would care, right?

No. No, it was rather a long walk back to my seat. And I somehow managed to avoid crying - at least until later. That was mostly due to crying for most of the 2 previous years of my life (but that's another story).

It wears me out to fight it off. Which gives me less energy to push myself out there to deal with people. Which proves that I can't do it, that I shouldn't do it, which gives me less motivation to break the cycle. And eventually it just winds down so that I can't talk to anyone properly.

I had feared that I would reach this point eventually for my entire life. Well, basically it seems that I have. I don't have the energy after dealing with the stresses of work and work socialization that I want to go after people. The only people I talk with at home are basically Jessie, Kristy, Peter, my Amanda on rare occasions, and Nicky on rare occasions.

It's because I don't trust any of the crowd. I can't trust any of them. I still think they're laughing at me. And I still think they're dumber than me. And I just as hell know they don't give a shit whether I live or die. And although I still think, somewhere around here, that I'm still better than them, that I have a right to live the life I want to live, I also know that I'll be just that minority that I always was.

That also, probably, is the heart of my kink, too, isn't it? That's what it boils down to, the total searing of both physical and emotional pain, the embarrassment and the shunning. The always being different and always being alone.

And the fact that I seem to keep wanting to be there, over and over again, and never able to escape the cycle.

I collapse. I give up. It's amazing I have any ability to deal with people at all. And although there was one point where I used to love meeting new people as Cerine... those days are long, long gone.

Aug. 19th, 2010

magic

(no subject)

I haven't posted on the blog in quite a while.

I'm relatively satisfied with that.

Basically it started in January with one post that I wanted to make except that I knew it would likely upset several people, so I felt bad about it and posted it to just 3 people. And ever since then, I'm having problems thinking about posting anything without thinking that it inevitably will upset someone, and I don't have the time or the sanity to deal with trying to comfort people and apologize for something I really feel, so why bother? Certainly that assisted with nocona's recent troubles...which I'd prefer to not talk about either, which may be resolved, or not.

So the minor thoughts have gone to Twitter, the link posts have gone to Buzz, and I don't generally feel able to say how I really feel. And I'm too busy with painful frustrating work, trying to recover from painful frustrating work, and trying to move my ass to Seattle to really cope otherwise.

I still read people's journals every so often, but I'm not interested in participating right now.

Jul. 6th, 2010

magic

(no subject)

I feel like I need to write this down. I haven't felt a particular need to write anything else down here in a long while, and at points I've thought of simply retiring from blogging altogether. But this I need to write down.

It's clear I'm leaving Boston for Seattle within a year or two. Dead clear. And I hate it, I hate the fact that I worked so long to get back to a place that I thought (and still think) will survive apocalypse and, even better, Republicanism. So the reason I need to write this down is so that if I regret this decision later, as I do, that it's written out exactly why it is that I'm making the jump.

It's because I'm afraid of 2012. Or, more specifically, what 2012 will do to 2013. I'm more specifically afraid of the 2012 election.

Let's push the worst case scenario at the moment that still keeps the US as a democracy (which I think is a reasonable assumption). The Republicans win fairly big in 2012. People have short memories, the economy's still pretty much in the tank, everything the Republicans say still sound pretty appealing, particularly because they're repeated so often. So, sure, give it back to them, why not, the Democrats seem to not be doing anything important.

...

I've been reading Molly Ivins' Bill of Wrongs, and it starts to occur to me that really there aren't any standards anymore. Free speech has been a polite illusion for a long time. The advent of the taser (and the other more creative methods for countering those G20 protests) are making protest increasingly difficult - and even then, the media has no interest in covering it, when the Tea Party is so much more conveniently interesting. The massive Iraq War protests aren't that far behind us. No one has really truly condemned the torture or the torturers. The wiretapping wasn't illegal, Guantanamo still exists, etc. etc. None of the advances of the Bush II era have really been significantly rolled back as far as I can tell, outside of something of a drawdown in Iraq. Stopped, perhaps. Paused.

So what's stopping anyone from using all these lovely tools again? Of going to war with Iran or whomever? Of calling Americans terrorists and stirring the fear pot yet again? When do people start becoming enemies of the state?

And yet here on the other end of the coin we're already, in 2010, being led by people who stare coldly at 10 percent unemployment, shrug, and refuse to extend any helping hand. This is at a "good time" in American governance. This is when we're supposed to be led by the political party that gives a shit about the poor. I am well aware of the obstructionism, but shit isn't happening. And I can't reasonably expect it will get better.

I've already seen what happens when you get older in the modern American workforce. My father was fired 2 years from a full pension, just as his company did to every other worker who reached the same level (and wasn't French). And yes, he sued, but he got a settlement, not the same thing at all. And people refused to hire him for more than a year. And this was during the "good times". Or at least 2006. And during the beginning throes of this chaos, his company cut his wages 10% and gave their CEOs a 5% raise. I get the feeling all around that this is the new normal.

So, I should expect a few things. 1) That pretty much I'm going to have to settle in one place and stick around pretty much permanently. 2) That I can't expect government to extend a helping hand if something goes wrong. 3) That I can and will be laid off arbitrarily, as "for cause" is something of a laughable thing. 4) That my salary is never going to be like my parents', and likewise my savings are probably not going to be either.

This isn't even going into predictions of apocalypse. I don't see apocalypse happening, anyway. I look at the Roman Empire and see 300, 400 years of slow descent until collapse. I have to imagine that the United States will keep going, in some fashion, for at least another hundred. Perhaps the time-acceleration of the Internet Age will reduce this. Perhaps we'll see the singularity. I don't honestly know. (If we do see the singularity, I suspect it will be for the rich only, ne?)

So, either I keep myself in Boston in The One Stable Job With Benefits Left, or I go to live with my friends and my loves and try to enjoy whatever time I can on this Earth. My dad made that choice decades ago, you know. He admitted to me that he pretty much hates everyone now and doesn't want to speak with anyone ever again. He told me that the job should go above everything else, but look at what that did to him. He can't even retire at this point, because they can't sell the house. He says that he's afraid of leaving work, because he can't imagine doing anything but smoking pot all day by himself.

No. I was going to do just that, you know, because I frankly didn't think anyone else gave a shit about me and I didn't feel like doing anything in return. Because I was looking for a comfortable existence, not a wonderful one. Something that would allow me a little bit for myself, even if it compromised who I was. That was the mistake I made in 2000, too.

I wanted to be a shaman, you know. I wanted to be a counselor, a helper, That Person. A scientist, a global warming activist, a lawyer, someone who f-ing could make a difference. I gave up when I found that for some I couldn't reach them even if I tried. I couldn't save the world, and I couldn't help the few lives I tried to touch. I made a fetish of giving up. I can't allow myself to make that mistake again. And the best I can hope for is that if things go south, there will be people there to catch me. (And maybe people I can catch in return.) That option has been foreclosed in Boston. So if that's your decision, it has to be mine. And it needs to be made soon, because in January 2013, there might well be a Point of No Return. And I don't want to be stuck in Boston when it happens.

And perhaps, just perhaps, I'll get the only thing I ever really wanted. A family.

May. 24th, 2010

magic

Histories.

My life is always wrong.

And I suspect that the reason why is something that cannot be fixed, and this only really makes it worse. The problem is that throughout my life, I rarely feel anything but anger, frustration, and boredom, and often very little else. So I could write it all down, but that makes it repetitive, and I really hate repeating myself. Really really hate it.

So I haven't been saying anything at all.
Read more...Collapse )

May. 9th, 2010

fuzzy

No real update.

Well, there's an obvious problem - I managed to shove all my entries to DW, but I intentionally set them all to private. Now I can't set them back. I suppose this is fine enough, it'll give me a chance to start tagging things and de/reclassifying as necessary.

LJ is still the official blog, as promised, until at least the summer. It's functionally irrelevant, I've mostly ran out of things to post about at the moment, and I seem to have figured out what the borders are for crossposting - can't do special filter groups except directly on the site. (Or on the Mac, perhaps.) Given I tend to use filtered groups a reasonable lot, I'll have to adjust.

I don't intend on deleting this journal, but I do intend on deleting the previous one, when the time comes.

Apr. 25th, 2010

magic

Next statement of current intent.

This is another in a series of posts concerning where the blog of record is going to be located.

After a significant amount of offline discussion, I am going to be porting to Dreamwidth when I have focus to do so. I have already taken cubeotter there and ported both this blog and the previous rubberskunk one there. For those of you that are already at Dreamwidth, please go ahead and friend me; I have not had the time or focus lately to try to track who is staying at LJ and who is going. I plan to crosspost etc. but I have no idea how that works with friends groups and I haven't had time to test.

I'm in no rush to shove everything there; I'll drop a note when this blog is no longer the blog of record. At this point that will be probably no later than the end of the year, but no earlier than July. It's not a real priority to me; however, no more of my money is going here. My time has been rightly focused on other things, like studying up on computer stuff, cleaning my apartment, and in general living the rest of my life. Frankly, my thoughts haven't been much more than Twits lately anyway.

If you guys want to stay on Livejournal, you don't need to let me know or anything, I already have your blogs on RSS feeds again, so it's not like I'm leaving or getting any more distant than I already have gotten this year.

Apr. 12th, 2010

magic

(no subject)

Breakfast down the street just got violent.

*giggles*

Apr. 11th, 2010

magic

My favorite kind of map.

Definitely still in early beta, but this public-transit-to-location time map is the exact thing I was trying to construct when I was looking for my current apartment here.

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